flushchasm

Killer shoes

2012-01-28T03:49:00.001+08:00

Amazing is an understatement. Would these appear in front of me now?

I like it when it rains

2012-01-21T11:38:00.000+08:00

If I had time to take nice photos, I'll invest in a better camera.

If I had the world in my hands, I'd turn it to the way God wants it to be.

Gone with the wind

2012-01-18T00:37:00.001+08:00

Blogging isn't a priority anymore. Haha. I'll be back with updates when I'm not lazy enough to upload it.

2012

2012-01-02T03:50:00.000+08:00

Started the new year with a bang. It's more than feeling just satisfied, I felt that the world was on my palm, like I could spin it the way I want it. Looked back in 2011 and I really don't wanna go back. New year, new resolutions no? :) Grab it in your hands, never let it go. All you need is a pinch of discipline :) Anyway, I just started on Instagram. Won't be uploading too many photos though, decided to change to an iPhone as soon as I can :)

2012 is gonna be great guys! Till then X

Retain your poise

2011-12-26T18:13:00.000+08:00

"sometimes you don't know how to speak, sometimes you lose your words, sometimes your mind is in a mess, sometimes you forget who you are. sometimes in the winds of change, we find our direction."

Kinda worried because I'm constantly telling myself "I'm trying to do better than good enough, because my best isn't enough". Rather tired, and surprisingly not hungry. I need to stop catching up with the pace of this world, but who doesn't want to change the ugly race of humanity. Feeling extremely worn out, like my brain is flaky. More than just thoughts running in my head. Today feels like I've lost everything except my brother, and God. Of course, I haven't. Too.tired.to.continue.running. Shall, enjoy some 'me' time instead.

Heart Awards 2011

2011-12-19T19:51:00.001+08:00

The boys with Charleston :)
The lighting of this photo is soooooooooo perfect!
With the tallies

With all the leaders. They all looked sooooo good that night!

Loved Ben's hair!

Applied make up for Xin Yi and a shot with pretty Elizabeth :)

Chi Seng!!! Long (lost) friend. Hahaha. Jie Ru dressed up as Audrey Hepburn that night, sooo elegant so pretty!

Heart Awards was such a great nighttt (: Loved the atmosphere on a Friday night. I apologize for the quality of photos though, photos grabbed from facebook just don't look that good compared to uploading it yourself. It's about time to invest in a new camera, and a new lens. I looked really dead in the pictures. Hahaha. Shoulder length hair isn't really easy to manage, it always end up curling outwards and it looks terrible... Anyhows, today has been a great day. Such a purposeful life I lead :) Dying to go to the USS again just to take photos.. It's not very worth it to pay that kind of price to go in and take photos.

Can I shamelessly promote to sell my items on the right side bar of my blog? Hehe thank you guys.

Pola...polaro...polaroid!

2011-12-17T22:56:00.000+08:00

1) With Crystal and Natasha during Parachute Band weekend. When my hair wasn't THAT long, yet.
2) Girl power!
3) At the bus interchange where Bee was desperate to take the instax hahaha
4) If I'm not wrong it was Dr Kim's service on a Friday night, I can't remember.....
5) Forever short -.- You'll get what I mean in the next update
6) My LONG HAIRRRRRRRR

It's really obvious that the films are from a long time back, my long hair... hahaha. A clearer view of my shorter hair in the next post on Heart Awards 2011. Many photos! Excited to even think about it again. Anyhows, meeting with Jing Heng and service with Pst Jeremy Seaward really woke me up. God reads me SO much, to the extent that he knows every detail on how I have always felt, He remembered. So so so touched beyond words. No one can ever use such ways to get into my heart, so glad :) Sorted my mind, going to clear it up now. Thankful & grateful :)

Cooking up a post with tons of good looking people as sooooooon as I complete what I need to finish up. Priorities are important :)

Funny when you're dead how people start listening

2011-12-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

Seems like I've forgotten about the existence of this space for a moment. Sorting out my thoughts and going through tests.

Till then X

Thoughts

2011-12-07T00:13:00.000+08:00

I don't want to wish for anything, don't wish for clothes, money, better family, pretty face. I mean, isn't that what everyone wants? Is it really enough to feel contented only on the surface? It gets tiring sometimes to ask for the same things over and over again. I know even if I get ALL of everything I want, I still would feel as empty. Honestly speaking, I'd LOVE to have beautiful hair, beautiful face and a beautiful outer-self. Even if people find you pretty, when your attitude don't reflect what they see on the outer you, all impressions will be crushed. I'd LOVE to have a bursting wardrobe with presentable clothes, but I don't really need that because I don't have to impress anybody buy One. Every single time I see my timeline filled with "I wish I had more clothes, I wish I was born rich" etc, it irks me. Real beauty has become such a shallow understanding. Is that all to your life? Trying to impress others till you are really not you anymore? We are all trying too hard to be beautiful on the outside and sometimes we forget that there are greater thigns out there for us to conquer. Not every battle is worth fighting for. Break down these walls.. Really.. Materialism is such a killer. That kind of happiness, doesn't last more than a minute. I've got the kind that I need that lasts eternally. We need to wake up from all these tragedy, it's killing our souls. And I'm being real here. Society isn't.

I know what it feels to be alive

2011-12-05T12:32:00.001+08:00

See my short hair nowwww. Not exactly a clear picture because I haven't got the time to take photos but you get the whole idea. Have been really busy doing the right and meaningful things. Contented :) Anyhow, on the right column there'll be my mini blogshop, selling the things that I need to clear off my wardrobe. Please, a little help by spreading it around? :) Thanks!

iPhone

2011-11-25T14:25:00.001+08:00

I've been using the Blackberry for almost 2 years now, never gave the iPhone a second thought because I just don't like it. But how can you not like something when it's constantly changing for the better? :( Falling in love with the iPhone mainly because of the convenient apps, crazily pretty covers and SPs are using it. The only thing that's keeping me on to the Blackberry is because of the keypad and BBM.

I'M IN LOVE WITH THE CASES. How come they don't produce such pretty covers for Blackberries? :( I LOVE cherry blossoms, I really wanna get them all :( It's USD$35 for one though... Too pricey but I wouldn't mind if I had extra cash. I wouldn't wanna give something so pretty a miss. My fav will be these two:

It's close to puuuurfeccct. Can I have both phones? Hahaha. This is insane, I LOVE THE iPHONE COVERRRRS. I'm soooo spoilt for choices. Grrr #firstworldpains hahaha. Don't say I'm mean and don't share with y'all the website. Here you go!

P/S: Selling this wooden base wedges. Only soles are dirty. Worn once by me only for an hour or two. Fits a large 38-40. Letting go at $80! Please e-mail me, thank you (:

sunday morning, rain is falling

2011-11-15T16:11:00.000+08:00

I miss blogging at 5am under the blanket. Hahaha. But honestly speaking, I don't think anyone comes to this space anymore. It seems like I'm talking to myself. I can't bear to close this down though.. Anyway, a recent impromptu shoot with Crystal, Yue Ling and Wen Bin. It was really fun even though the photos turned out rather crappy. Need to do this more often, we get to see the sides of Singapore where not many people have been to. That was the old me. And the new me?

I could do with a change. Really felt like i needed one, though partially i succumbed to the endless pyscho-ing from the rest. Should it go even shorter? Hmm.. There's this tugging in me telling me to move on, move on to a whole new level. Something so tangible that I can feel it in my heart. Words are stuck within and are never coming out, I'll never know how to complete myself with my own strength. We're barely looking at the small details, it is it that makes us treasure life even more. More observant, more real.. Words just get jumbled up into sentences, I don't even understand myself.

Have a splendid week everyone! Till i bid a new goodbye x

Love,
Claire

Stuck in reverse

2011-11-07T00:33:00.000+08:00

Random outdoor shoot we had on a Tuesday noon. It wasn't the right destination though, but we were too worn out to continue walking, so we settled for an old abandoned house by Tyersall Road, right opposite Gallop Court. I'm still trying to fix my laziness by editing the rest of the photos and upload them. The feeling of wanting to complete many things bad but you just don't have the time to is pretty upsetting. I'm sooooo drained, but then again, I'd do things I love without complaining or feeling terrible. This is the power of Christ :) Service with Bishop Bronner was wonder stellar. I was so ministered by it and it brought my mind to a whole new level of thinking where I'd never see myself reflecting there. It's beyond explanation.. Sometimes you feel that the world is at your fingertips, yet you can't put it to words. This systematic world is beyond repair.. People need to know You.

To err is human,
but our mistakes and past do not define us.
We run with the horses,
fight against the devil.

Break down the strength I've build inside

2011-11-01T23:35:00.001+08:00

Kinda tired tonight. Haven't got time to update at all. Work tomorrow. Dreading it. Promise to come back with better photos.
Not running with the wind, but running with the horses.

Check out bonelights@tumblr!

I miss writing

2011-10-19T02:37:00.000+08:00

I just felt like doing a little filling in of my life, i miss writing quite a bit.

Not that I can write well, but I just need to phrase myself well and structure sentences to say what has been in my mind for quite a while about the drastic change now. I just wanted to do this because I was referring back to my archives and could literally feel the joy from the upturn in my life, from the hurt and broken to some where I never imagined I would be at. I can never comprehend how and why I was willing to change, it all sums up in two words, God moved.

Progress in Color's It's a Plague on repeat, I would never thought that I will ever be happy in my life. After all, I wanted things I didn't have, crave for the things that I didn't need, I just wanted to feel accepted in society. I'm bluntly using my words because I know, this is how almost every girl feels. We all want to be outstanding, pretty, and it's not an ordinary kind of pretty, it's when girls call girls pretty, then you'll deem yourself to be pretty. We want to have the kind of life where people will envy you, those materialistic items that keeps your temporary insanity away. But who ever knew, when you don't change, you'll never know how it feels like to be loved and acknowledged for who YOU ARE, not what you have.

I never had the problem of not having friends, being alone during recess hours, sitting at the back of the classroom all alone, but I know how it feels like to be that way, because even when I'm surrounded by crowds, my heart and soul isn't at where it is supposed to be, and I never had any idea where my soul wander, where my heart ran. I know how it feels like to be a under-average teenager, I know how it feels like to cry yourself to sleep every night hoping that someone out there, not your family, would be concerned over your life, I know how it feels to just want to be cared for, to be loved and taken care of, we're human, and we're nothing more than only human. We take everything for granted, hoping that life would carry on without things changing. Then we move on, wishing to step on sand and enjoying the breeze. We just want to be in a place where there is light, where it would never be dusk, but as days grow shorter, you start to wonder how long more will this go on. But when will this ever stop? It's a vicious cycle. It never ends. I'd rather be the girl who is happy, who doesn't mind gaining a few pounds than to starve myself just to look like supermodels. If you're not tired of it, I am, friend.

My life broke, my perspective of view changed, I was set free, living anew. Never been happier in my entire life. Boundaries used to set me apart. It was encrypted in my heart, it shaped me. But can't you see, it's all different now. I used to get so frustrated at the impressions people had for me. There were nights when I reflect upon grey matters, I wondered if others' opinions are actually legitimate, wondering where was I all along.. I don't want to live in a speech meant for the same, I want to be daring, to dream big enough. Creativity is endless. A change is all we need, be redeemed.. You may find your best potential when you surrender all. Write your sadness on sand, dreams on stones.

Feels good to get it off my chest, been a while since I blogged. I hate it when I don't know how to phrase myself though... Rusty. Alright now, I'm hitting the sacks. The lights are blinding, the roads are winding. Good night.

The tension is here

2011-10-18T01:05:00.000+08:00

The days where plans fail yet we can still be so enthusiastic about what's going on next, days full of laughter instead of being quail and spending the day at home thinking of how you can change, to look better, to feel better about yourself. You live only once, I rather gain that few pounds than missing a good piece of pastry. So many places that I wanna enjoy and go to after BF. Would definitely want to make a trip down to Farmer's Market and grab some good food. Not to mention some white coffee as well. In need of luxurious food... Hahaha.

You know, I could choose to pick on the thousand flaws on my face, on myself, but humans are born with a choice. I rather use the time that I pick on myself to love other people, to tell them they are not the ugly ones, society is.

Extraodinary

2011-09-27T10:01:00.000+08:00

Have been mugging way lot, hence the lousy photos haha. I don't think you'll find anyone as crazy as us to stay at McDonalds for almost2 days to just study. I believe we almost went crazy hahaha. You can actually tell from my eyebags. Ns in 6 days! Can't wait for it to be done and over with.

Received this pair of shoes P ordered for me. Too bad it's a size bigger, but anyhow, this has slightly cured my insanity towards buying shoes and I won't be buying anymore pairs of platforms in the next one month. Happy :))) I need to change this layout, it's horrendous :s

Kitty Kats

2011-09-08T10:47:00.001+08:00

Suppose to be studying but.. I need a break. Ns gonna be over very soon, I smell freedom :) Have been struggling with trying to retain notes in my mind.. haha. All in all, I'm happy. Easily contented nowadays, which is good.

Missing some quality personal time. Need to spend time with my beddddd. Haha, I think life's too amazing for me sometimes :)

Chicago range

2011-08-28T03:42:00.000+08:00

1, 2) Mugged at McDonalds, taken back date a million years
3, 4, 5) At Jurong looking like a kid

0330am in the morning and I can't get to sleep. Bad. Droopy eyes and yawning a million times though. Dr. A.R Bernard tomorrow, gotta have some decent rest. Need some quality photos soon. N levels please be over.

Just thought that, no one is an accidental living.

Opinions don't really matter

2011-08-15T01:58:00.009+08:00

Wish I could update freely as and when I like but really, time is not on my side and sometimes I get really poignant about such detailed circumstances :( Nevertheless, haven't been looking down on myself and life has been, well, good! But I could use do some plus and minus, shouldn't ask for so much though. Have been trying to improve my outer-self and have been working way too hard. Enough! Thin enough, tall enough, good looking enough, happy enough. Well, that's the least I could care about, leading such a life full of love and joy, less drama, great friends, big dreams, impossible goals have become possible missions! Lest, I know that really at the very least, there are people who love me for not how I look, not a bit of materialism. Thankful :') And mainly thankful for this life full of colourrrrs.

apple strudel, salmon, peanut butter pancake, rice krispies, crab linguine, lamb shank, aglio prawns, solidified egg, potato salad, lasagne, froyo with berries, caramelized banana, haagen dazs, fish and chips, chocolate fondue, cupcakes, bagels, yam paste, authentic tomyum soup.

Could really do with some food right now, especially those which are caramelized. 1am in the morning and I have school tomorrow. But what's floating in my mind are food, baking with Crystal and Natasha, lotsa baking and make food, MORE BAKING AND MAKING FOOD. Deprived of fun on weekdays. I should really be thinking of study strategies instead of bumming around, playing soccer and basketball, eat, more playing, sleep, and more playing. Don't you think I'm such a boy-girl? I'm sooo messy, I don't even think I deserve to be a girl.

P/S: I've updated bonelights@tumblr :)
Hope there are still ants around this space.
Love, C.

Unbeaten

2011-07-29T21:00:00.001+08:00

Been too busy! Haven't got the time to spend with people I've longed to catch up with, not to mention having time alone for myself. Feels so good to sit right in front of my laptop's screen, having a packet of green tea, and resting. So grateful for this. All I'm doing right now is studying and spending time with people I'll love to be with my entire life. Can't explain how much I need them. Loving without any measure. It feels so great some times. We all have one thing in common. It's amazing to see us all change, bit by bit. Planning to burn my hands and start making my delicacies for them. Ha ha. Hope they don't have to hog on to the cubicles though. Have been a rough month in school! Tired routine of Study-D&T-McDonalds-Sleep, going on for around a month? But never ever getting tired of being Home (:

Am sooooo excited for after N levels' plans. Gonna be sooooo good!

P/S: bonelights.blogspot.com will not be in use anymore. The site has changed to bonelights@tumblr.

Running on Ink

2011-07-08T21:32:00.001+08:00

I believe not many people are coming back to read this space anymore. And I just am too busy to update. My life has changed tremendously. I wouldn't say in a bad way, but some people might think so. But I'm exhausted to bother with unnecessary things. At my lowest currently, but I feel I shouldn't speak too much. I might just hurt everyone around me.

Being kept in the dark is far worse than being told the truth and learning how to accept it.

We waste and squander

2011-06-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

Love love!

Busy studying and clearing my study rule, busy trying to change everything. I think I might stop blogging for a while, and let this place store dust. My life is... under-going a tremendous revamp I guess. We could put it that way.

Positivity

2011-06-20T12:32:00.000+08:00

Camp was great, life is not.

Old flame

2011-06-13T03:49:00.002+08:00

How's the revamp looking? Getting pretty bored, so I decided to take a few (narcissist) photos of ME. It looks the same though, and I still prefer minimal make-up. But it all concludes to one thing, I don't need any cosmetic products, I just need a pair of enlarging contact lens.

Without make-up

Minimal make-up

I cannot stand super thick make-up on my face, I feel like a tranny. What's more, my skin can't breathe when it's beneath thick foundation etc. And well, I can't pull it off I guess.

Can't judge from photos actually. It looks very different in real life. WHY DO I LOOK LIKE A KID. Really annoys me how my smile makes me look like a 13 year old. I don't mean it's bad but I'm much older. If you ask me to pick out 10 flaws from my face I can easily point out. But every minute I try to love myself even more, because somethings are just superficial. It's the media that's ugly, not me. I won't say I'm pretty, but at least I'm still an average to smile in front the camera. It sucks when you're surrounded with pretty girls all the time, and this inferior complexity thingy comes out of you. Oh now I beg, let my complexion become like a baby, remove the fats from my cheeks! I wish I can smile like a normal girl. Ah, girls will be girls.

Meeting Stella for FP. Looking forward to it! It's time to bake too.

My whole life's against me

2011-06-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

It's not just another one of those days anymore.

Allowing my emotions to take control over me again. I could name a thousand reasons about my flaws and why people hate me, I know why I am not the one who gets loved unconditionally, I know why I've screwed the past 16 years of my life. But here I am trying to salvage things with the wrong cards on my hand. I've been fighting on for far too long, just because I wanna feel that I actually do exist. It's no longer how people take me into their eyes, it's about how I FEEL. Selfish? w h a t e v e r. This world is just as self-absorbed. How do I make others happy when I'm not? Just be fake and keep loving? I've been giving too much for too long. How do I breathe the same air again, and reach for the same faces?

I really miss you. Things aren't great as it used to be. I sink under the heavy burden of love. But I thank you for your effort too, I would put it this way, I'm one of the luckiest people when it comes to love. But I've been selfish, for the things I like and I'd put anyone down just because of it. It stirs in me how much of a bitch I am. I do care about people's feelings, but technically, I need to care about my own too no? I can't express my feelings anymore, for fear that I'd cause myself into more trouble. But, whatever happened to freedom of speech? It's weird, as long as I'M happy, I wouldn't mind losing my soul as well. I don't want to be selfish, all I want is to be happy. Apathetic, choking, all in dismay. Can someone just shake me up, before I baffle myself again? I'm losing track of things all around. It didn't hurt that much the last time round, because I knew what I wanted. Now I simply have no idea. Surfacing tours around people, but not perceive just as it looks. Such is life, that people ARE judgmental, it pisses me off. It runs through my head why are they like that, and I think it's because they are even more insecure. It's time for me to lay in bed and think about what to do, how do I continue.

I hope that love finds you well, for I am just another lost puppet in the greatest fear.

Happy :)

2011-05-28T00:33:00.002+08:00

♥♥♥

Can I even, complicate your breathing?

2011-05-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

Another one of those nights... Wanna just hide under my blanket and sleep it off. I don't know what IS wrong. I cannot pen down my thoughts anymore, I don't know how to express it. Just another facade. I've stop taking people for granted. I know I've changed, but you'll never know it.

"I felt so peaceful and safe because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad because I had you. And then I, I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures." - 17 Again
I'm sorry
Perhaps I should change a little more
Perhaps I should do something to let you notice me
Perhaps you could express your love towards me
I hope you'll come running to me

"Confidence is the word"

2011-05-15T21:57:00.002+08:00

Am going to keep chanting to love myself even more! I hate how my self-esteem drops all of a sudden. Can't wait to get over this year and play a little more. Migraine has been driving me nuts. Life have been really mundane. No drama, which is good I guess. Simple and sweet. I'm sorry for not updating :s Followers can run now. O levels in 15 days I'm not going make it. Owell. WHATEVER. Can I just die already -_-

Chapter 0.06

2011-05-09T22:03:00.001+08:00

Awake

2011-05-05T04:26:00.002+08:00

Goodmorning! It's 4 in the morning with me studying Social Studies. Not that I hate the subject, in fact I like it, just that it's I find it too difficult to memorize. My life has been chronic, having a daily dosage of different workload everyday. Just thought that I should come to this place and type a little. Losing too many readers, hahaha. How's your day going on? :)

I must admit, life has been treating me well nowadays. Just a few minor tiffs with mum. But it have been good enough for me to survive solemly. Just that I'm beginning to have this issue with trust among one of the few people around me. Maybe it seems cause we've all drifted apart and that exams are around the corner. But who really likes being lied to? I dare to say I don't really tell lies anymore. What's the point? I hate people who lie about EVERYTHING. It's like a constant habit of them and I really freaking hate it. It makes me detest the person himself even when he didn't mean to. Stop finding excuses with everything and start living a real life. Lying isn't gonna do you any good. What's the point?

Too much to hold

2011-04-28T21:06:00.001+08:00

Just an update on my previous weekend! Feeling way too horrible sitting here and typing this text because I'm having my English paper tomorrow. Sighhhh. So afraid of exams. Worse of all, insecurities hitting me like a rocket. Having too many issues with myself. It has been a while though. My life has just been.... dry. Just thought that this place need a little polishing.

Some bits and pieces of the happy part of life I've been enjoying. Time to go back to the shit load amount of work and conquer it all.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

2011-04-25T11:20:00.002+08:00

Currently at home nourishing my sick body. Terrible headache going on now. The long weekend has ended and time for school. Have so much more to complete. Easter was really really good :) I have so much to update on :) SA1 in 4 days time, BRING IT ON! I know I can do it :) Easter update another day. Time isn't with me! I've updated bonelights so do take a look! :)

Haven't been feeling my best. Fair enough life hasn't been too bad. And this is to you L. No I'm not going to let you go just because the culture HoGc practices isn't what I/we practice. We've come this far in fighting the obstacles that gave our heart away. The amount of pain and suffering both me and you have gone through, the darkest daylight and the amount of effort we took to build everything up. The insecurities have now been stable. The fights and quarrels you've gone through with them I won't let it go to waste. The days where nobody was there to protect and sustain me, you were there. I practice what I preach. I promised. I know what I'm doing and I'll always be loving you, you're the reason why I've even come this far. I'd have been most probably dead or even quarreling with the world if it isn't for you. You're the reason why I held on for so long. I'm not giving you up no matter what and that's that. I love God, but I love you too L. I hope you wouldn't get the wrong idea. 11months and going way further, much more than anyone can expect. We're not going to waste like any other.

Moonlight so bright

2011-04-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

I don't feel like me anymore. Haven't been going out, haven't been dressing up. Sigh. When will it be a fruitful day. I wish the mid year exams would end right now. This has become a routine which I constantly dread, e v e r y s i n g l e d a y. Have to conquer my mind. Mind over body, mind over emotions. It's studying for now. Everything else aside, wonder how I have been living my life.

"It's the fastest way out of poverty" - Paster How

Nothing else.

Lies

2011-04-15T22:24:00.000+08:00

Let tonight be a night I stop caring. Constantly sparing a thought about others but have anyone actually thought about how I'll feel for once? If you wanna put in the effort, you apply 100%, not trying halfway and give up. Because I'm tired of people giving up when they have not even tried. Friends? Love? Family? Hahaha just another redundant part of my life. Better off fucking dead.

THE SCRIPT ♥

2011-04-14T20:40:00.000+08:00

The best shot -_- Should have brought my digital camera instead. But 3/4 of the time I didn't bother taking photos HAHA.

Super dirty and muddy shoes after the concert.
THE CONCERT WAS *faints* SUPERB!! I want them to come back now now now and this time I wanna get to stand at the front :( Have never sang so loud in my life before hahahaha and annoying the Pinoy couple in front of us. The night is young!

Have been mugging intensively. Exams are nearing and simply to say I can't have too much fun anymore. OWELL. UPDATE SOON TOODLES!

2011-04-10T02:23:00.000+08:00

Calamari rings from Popeyes are ayeeeeee
Hi guys! Haven't updated in quite a while, a week? Anybody still comes back to this dusty place? I want to blog though, but the compiling school work is a nuisance. Haven't had time to go out other than church and meeting L. How I miss the times when I was free like a bird. But I'd say I've taken a few days off from the ridiculous amount of workload but I'm back to doing it tomorrow. Anyway! On a lazy Friday which I didn't feel like going out, I went over to L's and cooked for him. Well, I wouldn't say my cooking is bad, I only haven't done it well. Hehe.

We made.. our own pasta? Ha ha. It tasted not bad though! I just went around the supermarket and picked the ingredients I like.

It was so good and so simple to make! Yumyums. I love the lemon taste in it. Had no cook book or anything else, just purely using my dumb brain. There were pieces of meat, mushrooms and carrot? It's really funny though. HAHA.

"What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them, what are words if they're only for good times then they don't. When it's love yeah, you say them out loud. Those words, They never go away, they live on, even when we're gone. And I know an angel was sent just for me
and I know I'm meant to be where I am and I'm gonna be standing right beside her tonight. And I'm gonna be by your side, I would never leave when she needs me most."

trading this life for something new

2011-04-03T22:05:00.004+08:00

I promise I'll fight this through, I'll stay strong like before. Have the strength to go on. Am not going to let the past affect me, it'll be mere words. I'll practice what I preach. Not going to think about jumping off a cliff, driving against a wall, I've so much more to live for, I've realized. Start living anew. Time to think out of the box, step out of my comfort zone.

Study hard, work hard, go to Aussie and study harder. That's my objective. But how do I start.

Haven't been a good week. And I don't sense another good one coming ahead. I need peace in my heart, heaving a heavy sigh doesn't help much anymore. Over-loaded heart with the tiny problems bottled in, I can embrace this pain. I have bewildering thoughts, but it's all fine, as long as You're with me.

P/S: Check out my personal store pleaseeee :(

2011-03-30T22:12:00.000+08:00

Finding my way out of this thick pile of assignments waiting for me to complete them. Missing the thrill of having crazy retail therapy in any form of possible ways.I actually treasure the moment I get to lie on my bed and stare at my ceiling. I don't know when I can relieve this amount of workload stress, I just want to have some quality time alone, with myself, just a cup of tea and a good book. I haven't been reading lately.

How could you attack me with such great acrimony?

Chapter 0.05

2011-03-26T02:56:00.005+08:00

My kismet, I can control it. Every cloud has a silver lining. I have learn to take control of my emotions. So many things are happening and I'm of no help. Sad to say, I'm born skeptical. Not that I want to, but the phases I've been put through taught me to. I know the past few posts are all so... miserable. I'm sorry to anyone who's reading, it's just that, life haven't been on my side. And just that, sometimes I really feel like jumping off the cliff. Exhausted. My mind feels so put of place. I'm not upset, not angry, not screwed. Just drained from all the different episodes of drama I've gone through in just THREE months. It's just so fucking terrible.

On the brighter side, I really wish a magical letter will appear and tell me there will be sponsorship for me to go to England and study hahahahaha. Anyway, my hair have suddenly dropped incredibly thin. Please, any shampoo to recommend?! :( Shall study and revise my Math tomorrow. Do drop by bonelights hmm! :)

Am gonna go through this in one piece, strong. X

Hollow bottles

2011-03-20T23:17:00.006+08:00

BONELIGHTS BONELIGHTS BONELIGHTS BONELIGHTS BONELIGHTS BONELIGHTS BONELIGHTS

Today marks the end of the March Holidays. I'm sure I'll be updating less. Time to start applying knowledge into my rusty brain. Quite proud of myself actually, I undoubtedly wanted to do all my assignments and hand it up on time. This has never happened before. Amazed. Should start to tighten myself a little, and constantly remind my mind that I can do this no matter what happens. I believe, I've done this before, and I can do it again. I hope everything will seem familiar to me again. I'm pretty excited to smell the smelly class again! Sitting under fans and surviving the temperamental weathers.

There are many marks now, building up my fundamental beliefs. I rant/tweet because I still bother. But after which comes the days I couldn't care less. I'm sorry but what's the word that I'm looking for? Disappointed I guess. Judgement isn't vital. I usually am upset about saying words that hurt to my friends, but most of the time, it's words that bring sense back to them. I don't know, but it has always swallowed me whole. I'm struggling to make things better, yet you are sitting over there taking glances, not helping. I know who've talked, I know how easy it is to make your baseless assumptions with one-sided story, but you must understand, it will not help at all. The hurt inflicted can never take us back, just like what happened during the past. I've come to realise that it's a cycle, a malicious one. I don't want to see you in a wreck.

I'm not moving, because if I do, conflicts will spark and I don't have the mindset to accommodate this. Life could be so much better. I know, who doesn't want to be honorable by speaking the truth? Most of the time, we just have to take a step back. I always do, heaving a sigh. I remember how days were great back then, like two months back or so? This has taught me much, to widen my visual angle and to see the beauty in life. Friends are people who will come and go eventually, it's how you make them stay, how you build up the bond. And how you love each other without the lack of faith.

Learning.

Sane

2011-03-18T01:22:00.004+08:00

I hate how people can question me about something they did wrong and put the blame on me? This week has gone by incredibly fast. I do wish for it to end though, else I'll just compile my thoughts everyday if I face these 4 walls. I'd like to have a break though. More like having a need to it. I can deal with judgement from strangers, but not from friends. But I've been labelled, and I can never wash this off. I've been bottling too many things inside for far too long. I find that telling my friends wouldn't probably help, just that they take my mind off things. I'm really glad for what I've had, which might be gone by now.

Oppressed by grey matters, stop living life like this C. It's not gonna work out.

This is final. The last straw. Must stop letting this grow on me.

Ha ha

2011-03-15T23:52:00.002+08:00

I'm losing my sanity. I'm like a rolling stone, can't stop till I've reach the end, or when I fall apart after hitting by so many obstacles. Every one sentence I think for about 15 minutes, I have so many things to say. Just don't know where to start, don't know what to say. What if I said it and people get hurt? But why is it that I'm always the only one caring about how others feel? I'll never be prudent, I'm not that selfish to see others get hurt.

I wish I wouldn't think so much. The thought of something minor can expand till life threatening, it really scares me. I don't know what I want anymore. Lost my pace.

I need to disappear and sort out my thoughts. Constantly waiting for a miracle to happen will not work out.

But I guess it'll be okay.

ruins of the lost temple

2011-03-15T01:27:00.005+08:00

Can y'all be a kind soul and just take a look here? :)

I have been thinking about what I have to complete this holiday. And it comes down to one thing, all the homeworks I'm dreading to do. So I've set my goal, to complete Mathematics and Chemistry tomorrow. It's my maid's birthday too, and I feel really guilty for not getting her anything. Anyway! Past 2 days have been really blissful. I don't wish for everything to stay like that, because I've got the most out of it.

It was L's birthday! I went to his house at 12am and surprised him with his favourite durian cake. One thing for sure, I was contented with his sincere Thank You, which really warmed my heart. Not with that, but with the upcoming words. I'm glad I made it good L :)

I really wanna go back to TC to have the lamb shank again! It tastes sooooo good! Too bad they don't serve truffles. Having deep cravings for creamy truffles and lamb shank. I really want to eat Jap food too :/

For some things, you have to experience it yourself and know how much it hurts. But after all, pull back yourself and not hurt the people around you. I am not who I was last September. People grow out of it and change. It's inevitable. Do you like the feeling of listening to your favourite music and feel it's beat? That's how you let loose of yourself and start breathing in fresh air.

Learn to live it well! Don't start to ponder when it's all too late. X

#35)

2011-03-11T22:52:00.004+08:00

Picture heavy. Twas Ben's sweet sixteen and I had one of the best nights ever! A night that was full of joy and laughter, relieving young memories. Happy birthday Ben, I hope you had a great one :) Snippets from the night, my friends are so adorable. A week of relaxing ahead of it and I must make full use of it before I go for a head start.

Them showing off their ridiculously small muscles hahahaha

Me da big sis muahahahah

CUTEST PHOTO FROM THEM EVER!

Fail shot :(

No matter how miserable I'll feel, I trust myself to be on my standing ground. Sabbatical has taught me lots of stuffs that doesn't go in my mind. Didn't regret going at all. Being a friend, you don't have the rights to judge. Please know how much it hurts. I'm not capable of holding everybody together, when there're only a few fine strands of line on a rope. We can never be saved. Stop being critical about me, it is really painful bearing matters deep beneath and nobody knows anything.

But all in all, I'm glad to have a life.

shake it away

2011-03-06T03:50:00.006+08:00

P/S: BONELIGHTS have been updated with cheap loots! Please helpppp :)

On Friday... We went to prawn! I believe no days will fail with them :)

We spent our evening trying to catch prawns, my prawns were expensive though. I think one prawn costs about $3.50? Hahaha but it was worth every single penny. Even barbecuing the prawns was helluva fun. Need to shop badly :/ Like really badly. Hope L's birthday will come and go FAST. So I don't have to scrimp and save. I need a job. Have been spending so much lately, can't afford to do this.. :( Saturday was good. Spent my night with L and we went to have Rochor beancurd. MMMM! Life's too good with food.

Finger guessing game! Loser was to treat everybody to drinks! Hahaha

The company was incredible. It was really a full pack of laughter day. Lots of unglamness but I shall learn not to give a shit because these people are worth giving up everything for. 1 day to school and I am feeling so accomplished. I've done almost all my work except DnT and a little Math. Ooooooh, I passed Math for the first time! FEEL MY JOY.

I HATE MY HAIR. I want it to grow long long long then I can chop chop chop off my layered part. It's so annoying. Maybe I should cut it during the March holidays, but I can't bear to cause it'll be so short. Just have to let it grow. Anybody knows of a shampoo that lets hair grow faster?

I feel myself changing as time goes by. A week of March is already over. I don't know what keeps me sane but there's always this feeling in me to compress the fiery fire from protruding through my heart and helps me go back to peace. I suppose that's a good sign because my temper has never been too good. It's letting me slip through all kinds of pain and frustration and boy it does feel good not having every inching weight being pushed onto you. I think I'm done jumping off cliffs with people's judgments. Be it blind or deaf, we're still human, and only human. But we know all human have limits, so don't push it. We only have differences apart, but the same attributes. And that's good, we feel differently. So reminding yourself of the painful will not help, it only brings more anger. It's these experiences that led me to build up myself. No more being selfish, no more deceiving myself.

I'll let the musical waters gently lap against each other, and I'll fill my lungs with fresh air. Let the warm air embrace me with slight breezes. The stars will be twinkling against the black sky, it's time to let loose. Walk to a lining path, and that's where I begin to live. No dancing leaves will be able to trip me, just myself and the oblivion to the world.

I'll be ready to catch you from falling
Was never born a fighter but willing to sacrifice my all for you
Knew you have been enduring, I feel pain beneath your eyes
I'll play your part, I'll love your soul and heart

Tomorrow never comes without you.
Xxx

military walks

2011-02-28T01:19:00.007+08:00

Finally able to rest my toes and type out a decent post. My weekend have been had been an entertaining one. Ended with a high note! At least I'm exams freed, I won't have to fret about not studying or remembering notes. Khakabo with the boys and Kai Min and Chomp Chomp for supper on Friday night! Some happz within us, best company evurrr. That day, I tasted they best Red Mango froyo accompanied by Almond nuts and Fruity pebbles, hokkien mee, fried oyster and sugar cane. Starting to be hungry just by thinking about it.

Went to rollerblade on Saturday with L! So much for constantly falling.. hahaha. We had dinner at With a Pinch of Salt! Mmmhmm!!!!!!

By looking at the menu, it's already THIS cute. Hehehe. Sadly we bumped into a party in the cafe so our food had to take longer to arrive. But overall it was good, the staff there are pretty friendly too :)

I ordered this, Old Uncle Mac's Favourite. Consisted of all meat, which was a little overwhelming for me. The price was damn reasonable?! L's dory fish was not that bad as well, am so going back to try the chicken leg ~.~

Choco Lava! It was too sweet for my liking, but it's worth the try!

Plastered smile on a face so pale beneath all sorts of make-up, please know that no matter how cheery someone is, they have the utmost problems that nobody will understand except themselves. I don't and won't see myself spilling anything else to others, because I'm pretty sure we're living in a world of pretense. I wish I could articulate my thoughts, but never will I ever find the courage to pen it down, not here, not even in my diary. My mind is a safe place that no one will ever be able to have access to. I don't want to indulge in self-pity. Disgusted with myself, being in disguise, I lost my alter ego. I've nothing left in me. It's a losing battle, paid a price. Somebody need to slap some sense into me. It comes as a glitter pack, spreads out and parts. An amount of darkness so intense I may fail to bring all sorts of shining lights into it. Stop your assumptions, it could end up letting someone lose their life.

And now I know why some say death is the only way out.

you can take my breath away

2011-02-20T02:10:00.008+08:00

The Friday when I tried to find a perfect pair of shoes for an hour.. I managed to grab this pair of Brunomagli and rush of to meet L. Had lunch and went for L4D2. Mmhmm!

Met my dearest girl for flea-ing! Miss having alone time with her. Day spent quite well laughing over people and giggling over a particular tranny we saw. Happy happy kids ^^

On Valentine's, I forced L to take neoprints with me, heheheheh. Big accomplishment!

I like how neoprints enhances my looks :P Been so long since I took one!

Chapter 0.04

2011-02-16T18:45:00.005+08:00

Topshop Feather Print Maxi

Brand New/Uk 8

$15

OSF Safety Maxi

Uk 8

$10

Black Jumpsuit (Similar* to picture)

*Please mail for more pixxx

Brand new/UK8, fits bigger too

All orders/enquiries please mail to bonelights@hotmail.com

LOTSA LUV X

Concludes our date and Valentine's! It wasn't that bad, :)

Anyhows, life hasn't been looking up. Caught Black Swan and it freaked me out. Homeworks and test, argh, what a total turn off. Hope there are still some people browsing through this place. X

standing ovation

2011-02-13T02:24:00.006+08:00

i want so many things so bad.

need a way to feel good about myself. perfect little moments wouldn't be so perfect and happy if it was regular.
i'd just treat this like another day i'm passing through simply.
it's okay to feel bad about myself, it's okay to feel imperfect. i hope i do this all night.
lately, it has been wild thoughts stalling me from my sleep. i've nobody to talk about, and what is being carried out in my head never fails to amaze me be it awake or asleep. i've to go through this ordeal in detail every night. it somehow always manage to disintegrate me.

it's 3:15am in the morning and i'm not ready to take down another day. sometimes i just wish to start on a pause and let me sleep to my fill. i need time to wash away nonsensical thoughts so life would stop hitting on me.

the fall is hard, and definitely, there will be an excruciating pain.

Daze

2011-02-09T23:23:00.005+08:00

How was your Cnyyy! Week hasn't been good, busy studying.
I think my cny was boring, but i really loved meeting my cousins though!
Spent my Saturday at Damien's playing blackjack and mahjong all the way
till 1230am until everyone was half awake tryna play mahjong well.
my luck's pretty good this year, won quite lots of moolah.

Busy doing my homeowrks, squeezing every drop of my brain juice on it.
I get totally drained out when i reach home and i'm already about to die.
feeling all sucky and sick.
my nose have been running since the eve of cny? feels terrible.
okay! shall let the pictures summarize how tired i was at Damien's.

i liked my hair on that day! ohhh i miss my braids already :(

i'm pretty much guessing these were my cards.

itching for some mahjong naooooooo.

everybody bets damn big when i became the banker
hahaha love my friends can't explain how cute and awesome they are!!
don't have lotsa photos though..
can't wait to go to the zoo with bby on Fri!!
finally some time with him, been ages since we last went on a proper 'date'
hahahahahaaah

i can't wait for my polaroid to arrive too!
have been wanting to get one and it's finally coming to meeee
things are going great, i hope!
using shopping to max my happiness level
bad habit. must.stop.doing.shit.
and i freaking love it when i shop alone. what is wrong with me.

i think im kinda weird but it feels damn comfortable typing like this, for the first time :o
okay with lotsa lovessss. formspring me it has been dead :(((

Mess.

2011-02-07T01:44:00.004+08:00

i've finally picked up my senses. it doesn't matter whether a girl is beautiful or skinny or perfect, because everybody has flaws. i'm fine with my own, and made the best outta them. and now everybody loves it. although i must admit i'm really unhappy with myself still, but this feels so good, relieving pain you shouldn't have to start with.

things sure have been uplifting. not with L though. i feel so foreign to him now because we don't really talk...? ah, don't wanna get it started, if not things will be much worse. other than that, i must say i am pretty contented with what i have now.. just not too soon to something new. i don't have a room to reflect the state of my mind. drowning myself in my thoughts. but i really like how oblivious i am to my surroundings when i'm thinking of things... i'm in my own world and totally comfortable.

soon life will start kicking senses into yours so please, to everyone out there, you are amazing and know it well. but i know, things are such a heavy burden sometimes.

fall through madness

2011-01-29T14:50:00.004+08:00

Such a life so meaningless.

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

'cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Pretense

2011-01-26T22:52:00.002+08:00

Such is life. Tell me how do I save a broken us.

airless fight

2011-01-24T18:59:00.004+08:00

Can't believe I'm bringing myself to such state again. Hopes that were once gleaming are now lost, I've not found my way back. I've no capacity to pull and lug myself out of this, no solutions to it. I never learn from my mistakes, and each time I realize it, things have gone down way too deep. Death was a part of me, I let a demon grew in me. The agony that built, hatred that harboured, but I realize, what was it for? I don't gain shit even when I've lost myself completely. I don't feel safe anywhere. I can do so much better, after all it's a phase I've been through. I self-destructed. Have ignored the false world out there, but I don't know what I want. I'm not contented, I can't find happiness. I know there are so many more reasons to smile for, I know I can do this alone. Sometimes, perhaps I just need someone to talk to. But I trust myself.

I'm going to break through everything and start anew. That's all I've been longing for in the longest time. That day is going to come soon. Stop caring so much, things will eventually get better on it's own.

:)

let me run my fingers through your hair

2011-01-22T02:51:00.003+08:00

I am actually kind of afraid this is going to turn into a composition site, haha! But well, my space, anything I wanna put goes down here.

Book borrowed from Kai Ming. Amazing book to read, kinda over-due but I don't mind reading good books even if they are old. The only book that have kept me re-reading was Memories of Midnight, that's a book one should never miss.

Schooling never ends. Can't catch up with the fast moving pace so I'd rather take one step at a time, need to catch my breath. Have been so dumb for the past few weeks, searching high and low for something that was right in front of me but I never seemed to catch a glimpse. Let's do a favour and just give thanks to everything tonight. Whatever you have left.
For your life, hopes, dreams.

That is just how we're going to live by. It's ridiculous how on some days we just let the ghost of our past haunt us. As time will pass us by, we let pain subside. Time is a natural remedy but never will we forget how harsh the scar implanted on us hurt.

On the good note, the clouds are beautiful! :)

Leon, if you manage to read this, sorry for being mad at you when you had such a long day. Promise we'll see each other soon and have fun working, you've got lots more to learn. Mehhh I wanna hug you right now. I know things aren't as good but we shall make a pact soon ^^ It's amazing how time flies and it's gonna be out 8th together, I love u aplenty! I think I'm a bad girlfriend to dote on hehe but i like it a lot 8)

Distance

2011-01-16T22:46:00.005+08:00

A treat to Haagen Dazs! Caramelized banana is so good. Losing the blogging vibe again. Buried myself in books and more books. It's only the third week of school yet the teachers are pushing us to the very end. I'm indulging in food I shouldn't be allowed to, and at such unearthly timing.

Questions about my life, how am I ever gonna solve it one by one? Am I going to dig up it's past in fearful mind of being hurt again? A great reminder to self, not everyone is true. If I had a choice to make, I rather choose not to be here. It's never ending. Now I finally know why some people think of suicide, because this life isn't that simple and easy to go at all.

Anyway, Bonelights have been updated, take a look?:(

Chapter 0.03

2011-01-11T21:26:00.006+08:00

BONELIGHTS has been updated! No harm browsing through :)

Amount of stress piling up, never knew studying and rushing for N's would be so tough. Totally drained out and it's only the second week of school. Assignments have been taking over my life, ah, typical school girl I am.

Weak girl I am such, brooding over things I shouldn't when I need the time to do much more. I want your arms to embrace me again, when things shouldn't have change. Chances are never going to pass by again. How dumb was I not to treasure the past times when I know all you faced were disappointments, and being oblivious. But did you realize that there was this constant pain dwelling in me? Just a little more.... But it's not going to happen. You thought you knew.

I thought life has been looking up, but I saw it wrongly. The smell of the freshest air, a cup of tea beside me, and re-reading Memories of Midnight. A clean and different way to spend my empty night. And that's all I'm left with, picking up pieces of memories that we can never turn the clock back and reach them ever again.

Pain in disguise

2011-01-05T21:57:00.005+08:00

Same boring routine. School school and more school. Dying from the piling assignments. Help somebody? I've to leave this space accumulating dusts. Boo. I need some sort of entertainment ):

************************************

The surroundings of me breathes a fire, everybody going temperamental because they're too trapped in their own dilemma. The same 2 songs are playing on repeat. It's not a false problem, but just an empty space in it, I don't want to feel cheated. It quails me how much can I change overnight, of no reason. Having no more reasons to smile in dawn, but all to break and fear more in the next. I miss the smiled fixated on everybody's lips, it runs in me to be tired both mentally and physically. The world around me is silence, but the babbles going on in me is killing me inside out. This transition is fearful, I realised all I ever wanted was for things to stay in place, a metamorphosis that will never happen.

Reading lips of the others, listening to my own heartbeat, looking out for people, watching my inner world fall in front of my eyes. Mirrored self is so perfect, but it's unreal. And then again, everything is in disguise. We learn it this way. Temptations.

I hope one day I'll find out where I stand in this place. Where did I go wrong in this life. Goodnight x

say it for what is worth

2011-01-02T16:44:00.006+08:00

Head start to 2011, lotsa luv xxx

"to wise man i want your formula of time, i want your guiding light, on matters that never should happen to anyone who has loved and paid a price. tell me you'll never leave, cause we never believed in the truth of forever. say it for what it's worth, a meaningless comfort to numb all the hurt. so defiant of the things we can't change and we're growing tired of paying with age, as we crawl through the madness when the night meets the day and the day meets night in some underhanded fight, as they crash on each other. with the violence of light and they're spilling their insides. rivulets of time."

choices we will decide

2011-01-01T05:49:00.006+08:00

It marks the last day of 2010. This year has been devastating in parts, but really good in some. Helluva year. I gave up trying to summarize everything, so instead I'll just bull crap a little bit here. Here's a dedication to people who played a huge part in my life in 2010. I'm not good with words but nonetheless, I'll give my best.

Natassha Sexayfangzx

Hilow baby! I know we only have been closer on the second half of this year but we can relate so much about love. Thank you for fighting with me through you-know-what and spending your time listening to all my rubbish. It feels really great to go out and have talks with you, thinking of so many crazy things, planning so many other dinners. I know things haven't been going right and it feels trashy, but fret not, I'll still be here no matter what falls. You know me well enough baby! :)

Narisha Ree

Hehe harrow bbg. We haven't been talking much huh? Miss going out with you, miss talking and having lotsa laughter! Too bad we won't be in the same class next year :( We really have to go out soon and catch up some time. Thank you for always giving nonsense and great advice. (Gosh I'm really bad at this) OK LA I LURB YOU HEHE.

Ira Crazeh

Hello cutie! Am so blessed to get kissed by you every time I see you. I love free hugs from you and you're always being so fierce to fight for me. Had been a great year with you. Nobody will actually dare to quarrel with me like you do <3 That's why I love you so much. I hope you had a wonderful year, especially the times spent with me okay :P

Natasha Katerine

Hi darling. I can't thank God enough for letting you appear in my life. Really wonder what will I do without you. I love you so much and you're the only one I can put my trust into. You know I'm super bad in talking but I know you don't mind right? I express myself in another way. But really, I wanna thank you so much. If there wasn't you, there wouldn't be a happy me. Thanks for being my ranting bag, I am really glad to have you. I know we've drifted apart, but if there's anything, you know I'll be there okay? :)

To the boys,

Mainly Kai Ming, Gary, Jun Rui, Jared, Wei Long, Arthur and so on so forth, whom had played an important role by really staying by me this year, I'm really grateful to have y'all. I can't dedicate a paragraph because it'll be way too long and yknw.. Some other reasons. But nonetheless, thank you all for the littlest things you did, caring so much and treating me like a little sister. For the concerns and random texts and calls to ask me whether I'm alright or just to chat with me. I appreciate for all the efforts you guys made for the individuals.

Also, to the others whom I'm not really close with but still love as much, Bee Siew, Afiq, Damien, etc, I really know you guys live in my life. I love you to bits and pieces and really am touched how much you guys are willing to help me, care for me. And to the people at church, the same goes to you guys :) I don't know whether all of you will be reading this or not, but I painstakingly am still awake (5.21am) trying to finish this post asap. Hmmmmmm!:)

Teo Kai Min

Harrow baobeiii <3 I know we only knew each other like for 6 months and we somehow had different impressions of each other. But never did I knew you were so adorable and so lovable to be with. I really wanna to say, thank you, because without you I wouldn't have come this far and end up fucking 2010 more. Without you there wouldn't be Leon, and without you there wouldn't be us today. You made everything work well for me, stood by me, loved me with an insane amount of care and concerns and showered me with hugs like no tomorrow. Getting all hyped up for outings with you... All fun. Both cam whores, doing stupid stuffs together, eating nonsensical food, embarrassing each other.. Ahhh. I know things are looking up for you again, but if it ever comes down you can just come to me. A call and I'll rush down for ya ^^v Like how you did for me. Love you without thoughts xxx

*******************************

Am really thankful for who I have, it's more than enough. This year wasn't really that shitty after I came up with all this. I met so many new friends too. People like SiHui, Kristie, Chloe!! :) Shouldn't ask for more. It has been hectic, lots of conflicts I must say. Life at home isn't good as well, but well. You lose but you gain too. I earned a lovely boyfriend.

Leon Summers

Hey baby. It's gonna be seven months with you already, sadly you'll be in Korea for New Year and our seventh. But it's fine. I miss you freaking badly but you're coming home soon. For the past few months it was truly a ride with you. Nobody else would be willing to go everywhere I wanna go, and that can bear my attitude. Nobody will give in like crazy even when we are quarreling. I know, I can see all that. I've learnt not to take things for granted. I still remember how we got together and all, things were horrendously complicated, and I caused so many downfalls for you. I'm truly sorry. Now I'm happy for you that you've got everything, :) We're gonna work hard for this, leaning on each other through shits we will be going through in the future, am tired of quarrels and things that shouldn't even happen. I'm not sure what's gonna keep me going but we'll be strong enough to tank everything hmm x) But baby, I love surprises okay? HAHA. Thank you for listening to me rant about almost everything, although there is always no reaction from you, but yeah, it's kinda bullshit, but thank you anyway. For comforting me whenever I need someone, for being beside me when I felt like just doing nothing. You're going to lead a new life now, lesser time, but it's gonna be all right right? We're gonna be more than fine, will be better than ever. I love you babyboy, I still have so much memories of ours that can never be dismissed. Happy early 7th monthniversary with you <3

As reluctant (I don't know why) to say this, but 2010 had been awesome, sometimes. It's a great life lesson everybody should go through. I felt so much pain from others I thought it would never come from. But I have to start viewing from another perspective, because I know when there's a problem, there will be a solution. It's time for us to leave the past behind and move on. We all know 2011 is going to be way better. Let's not let bad memories linger. Start on everything. So many things in my mind and I just love it. I hope this year had been great for y'all. Now time to catch some sleep. Happy 2011 lovelies, goodnight xoxo.

we all see out

2010-12-30T03:35:00.002+08:00

Worse day of 2010. Feeling really terrible. Nothing has happened, yet today I reflected so much. Not within myself but with the help of someone. It read so well.

I feel pathetic. It's not like any other days, but I really feel as if something inside of me is wanting to break out. And I hope it comes out soon. Tonight I'm all lost for words. Lost my values. Lost my standing ground, lost my principles. Do you know the feeling of losing people in your life? Because I've never lost a battle this badly. Never did I lost my grip of what's happening, but in just a sudden, I was gone. All along I thought I was strong enough to shelter everything that comes in my way, but never did I once thought to destroy it because I realized I don't bear to.

Those traumas, unforgettable. Do not dwell on the past they say, but my past is now what I am. It brought me up in a way that I can never be changed. But I really want to. The smallest things hurt the most. No more relating to fate and will hold on to faith. Sick of being me, I don't have enough guiding light. Not fully shone inside, but what's the point. I'll learn to fly.

Don't want to go back to the state where I was all paranoid, having sleepless nights just because my brain was over-active in thinking. I got to stop thinking so much. Just go with the flow because it really makes things easier. I've no more space left to crumble on my own, neither can I rely on others.

Just so tired I wanna sort things out tonight with my brain.
I hope everybody is doing okay.
With love, C.

loved and paid a price

2010-12-29T02:18:00.007+08:00

I really don't get how sad songs affect me so much. My mood can plunge down from 10 to 2. Day out with Natassha was spent fruitfully. Splurging on things I know I shouldn't, but that IS what makes me temporarily happy.

Pictures pictures! In love with the white headband that I bought haha!

Feeling very lonely tonight, shan't abide the rules in my mind tonight. Realized how much I need to talk to someone before I can go to sleep at ease. 2:07am, I've got a USS trip tomorrow. So lost for words :(

Can you still hear me?

no regrets, just love

2010-12-28T01:40:00.006+08:00

A rather off-thinking day with them. It was all right.

Things haven't been going as smoothly as I ought it would come out to be. I shouldn't be feeling all shitty since 2010, such a crap and fucked up year, is coming to an end. I know my misery at this place won't end, but I really want to make it so much better. At least for my own goodness. I hope whatever I'm going through now isn't affecting how congested my thoughts can go, or maybe in fact it was never absolute. I don't have the vehemency to keep on moving and thinking.

3rd day of Christmas and I received some words I thought I'll never get for until 2010 is over. It's not something good. It was never good to begin with. This abiding weight inside my heart, never seemed to depart from me. Nights like this, it makes me wonder more, what the fuck am I doing?

I know feeling blue doesn't help a single thing, and I'm sorry to those who are even reading, I just need a place to bellow my sentiments. The only place I can think of is none other than this space. I know I should never let fictional books get into me, but I can't help but to think why are their lives so perfect, so groovy, and they can even pen down how uncanny their happy ending will be. Argh. Should never let books rule my life. Sometimes, I need my haters to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and my attitude. Formspring that thanks.

I can never be a psychologist without clearing my own mind. I know I've never stood a place so important in any one else's heart all along. It really haunts me, really hurts me, to not know why am I so easily toyed with, treated like a fucking substitute and option.

But what else can I say? No regrets in this life. We only live once.

Anyhow, photos from church! :)

So friggin hideous hahaha

I look like a super hot mixed blood chick here! Hahah

merry merry christmas!

2010-12-25T02:09:00.004+08:00

Merry Christmas everybody!!! I'm so hyped up even my Christmas is kinda screwed! Life without Kitty has been going not too well! But I'm learning to not to be so dependent on him. Okay I gotta chill a little.

Have been chatting with Arthur and Wei Long, they really can make me laugh like a silly girl. Anticipating for the next few days since I've got it all planned! :) Feels so happy and it'll be no time my boyfriend will be back!!

My brother and I and such hyper kids haha! Can't help but to say he is so adorable sometimes. <3 Have nothing much to update on... Christmas Eve party was a wreck, mum was being a spoiler. And erm, that's all I guess. Will blog again soon. Merry Christmas :)

Can't wait to summarize up this year! Have been such a problematic 2010 hahaha!

what is precious to you, is precious to me

2010-12-20T04:15:00.005+08:00

Addicted to this song *_*
A very fruitful weekend indeed! Managed to catch up some sleep. And finally I have decent photos to post up.

A bored day when me and Kai Min decided to get her bag.

Virgin flea-ing at St James! Super boyfee came to help me pack up :)

Waraku for dinner!

Fertile day at church! :) My brother was super popular everybody wanted to take pictures with him haha! So adorable. Wish I can be as pretty as him :(

Overall everything went competently and I had quite a weekend. Even though everybody have plans for their Merry Christmas, I'm still rather heavy-hearted. Feels like I have to get something off my chest but I'm not really sure what.

Points are so tough clarify. We just don't get the idea that we all can be happy, it's just how you see it. There are times when we just comment on everything without letting words go through your brain, but some day you'll realize that actually we are just greedy. We are ordinary, not extreme, so can we know and understand that we can never gain what we want?

Seems like the dark clouds are blocking the magnificence of the sparkling pretty stars. So I guess it's gonna be a rainy night? Haven't been sleeping well for the past week. Crashing at 4am and what, waking up at 7-8am? I have to really wear myself out before I can have a good sleep. Thinking of the fact that school is starting in a weeks' time, makes me feel sick and groggy. Imagine all the stress, tuition, extra lessons, homeworks, no holidays, N's, O's, I can really just faint. Feels so incapable.

I just wanna save myself from whatever oncoming catastrophe, am selfish but I learnt that you have to be heartless to keep yourself from hurting. Or at least, in my world. I hate having problems at your fingertips. Such pressure only leads to exhaustion. Can't breathe right, really need to get a notebook and pen every detailed thought down. Can't flood this space with so much words.

We're all going back to reality soon! School, proper attire. I really wanna dye my hair to a more obvious color again but..... Reasons.

I've got my fair share of friends, boyfriend, family. Although I know this is not really what I wanted in my life. I'm never contented and that's the only sad thing. It's all grey matter. Leon is leaving for 10 days. I think it's a good time for me to breathe fresh air and know how is it like to be without him. Will miss him like a whole damn lot though.. And by the time he is back school has already started.

Anyway, I really wanna get inked. I wanna tattoo down,
Life is beautiful.
To remind me that no matter what happens, life never fails.

Alright now, it's 4:11am. Have to catch some sleep and have breakfast with Leon tomorrow. Goodnight everyone. X

it just makes us lose control

2010-12-16T00:19:00.002+08:00

Tonight we're empty.

As I stood still in the middle of the streets, I felt the hustling and bustling from the city, heard sounds from creatures and passing cars, smelt air and smoke, but in my mind it was churning. I had so many things to say, but I was all lost for words. Never did I once run through details of the night lights of thoroughly, or even feel that this city was alive. I need to wake up and face reality, to know and get the fact that nothing lasts forever, so I should be prepared for everything.

You told me we can never go back to the past, where everything was perfect for you & I. I wondered why. Was it me or was it you? How did we feel about that? I'm a sucker in love, I was never right about anything. Not even us. I dumbly believed we could go back to how it was and waited and waited. Sorry I was never good enough for you.

It never had been easy to be independent, now I'm falling on all my pillars. People told me I deserved more, but really, you're good enough for me.

I don't know us anymore. I feel like a stranger to this world. No acknowledgment, no love. Maybe writing wishes on the ball will come true. I just forgotten to wish for myself. We're all suckers in love. I must learn to be selfish, and keep what I should to myself.

Tonight we're not sharing pillows. Tonight we're not hugging. Tonight our cold feet aren't touching each other's. Tonight I'm all alone.

Chapter 0.02

2010-12-15T00:26:00.004+08:00

A great night out with Natassha talking about so many many many things. Love how I can get all's attention to myself. I love you gurly, muacks :-*

What didn't kill makes you wish it did, and now we're all alone.

Never once people had stand and fight for me. I'm really getting sick of bullshits I don't deserve. I hope you have had enough of gossiping, backstabbing, because one day you'll get tired of it, just like how I did. Aren't you people tired of all this inner hatred we have that's going on? This don't stop if you won't wanna stop.

It has been almost a year, and please stop thinking that you are cool because gossiping isn't cool, AT ALL. I'm tired of fighting all these shit myself, just when I thought people I trust would fight for me, they go over to them. I don't know who the fuck is real anymore.

Stop viewing things from the surface cause it ain't gonna help. Go deeper, use your fucking brains and think, not following what is more popular. The cycle repeats, that's why it's in a circle. Never ever does it stop. It's a life meant to be shown out to everybody, how happy and true we can be.

People interpret me as blatant, bitch, slut. But you know what? I'm honestly getting quite used to rumors people crap about, words that ain't true flying everywhere, bringing up the same old shit when they have nothing to talk about. If the only common topic you guys say is gossiping about others, then you have no true friends. Popularity is NOT EVERYTHING. You're not even that great. If you wanna hurt others by your words, then you don't deserve a place in this society. If you wanna gossip, make sure the people around you don't spread. Because none of you fuckheads have gone through what some of us has, so shut the fuck up before everything comes crumbling to you. Stop labeling others as a bitch, cause it's takes a bitch to know another.

I really hope you can grow up, because our life isn't just meant for gossiping. Yes I know I say I'm getting quite used to all that, but who wouldn't get angry. Sometimes, I wish you all weren't so fake.

This is not going out to anyone, but just what I think. Yups.

just like a dream to me

2010-12-13T16:51:00.008+08:00

Heyall. This rusty space needs a little revival of photos soon, but sadly my camera's battery died on me when I could take gazillion photos ): I even when all the way to Sim Lim to try to charge it because I thought it had no battery and all but it's just broken. Anyhow Friday was great. Met Gary and Kai Ming for Hong Guo, very good! And we (+Kai Min) met Jun Rui and Jared for the bbq. Last minute stay over and ended up sleeping for awhile. All in all it was still alright, and I won money playing BlackJack! Haha.

I just frivol away my holidays like that. 2 more weeks to school! Have no more plans other than the one on 26th where some of us will finally get some booze hehe. Life sucks because this is really getting so boring. Promise a massive update soon cause Saturday me and some of my girls will be opening a booth at Swap and $hop ^^v, and I'm heading with my Natassha tomorrow. Can't wait.

Nah, a picture of the me who hasn't slpt for two days-makeup not properly removed-not bathing-and a candid shot. Plus the Jared behind who looks like a chipmunk.

Clothes as cheap as $2!!
Come support us xoxo.

critical line

2010-12-07T20:00:00.003+08:00

We do what we do best.

Hurt, escape, lie.

We hurt people who hurt us, and even people who love us. We escape reality for fear life will come crashing down on you. And we simply lie because we don't wanna lose everything we have.

The world is the same, everyone judges. But there's a difference between you and i. I know the limits.

You see, no matter how fucking rich or poor you are, you still die. In one coffin. By the time anybody starts giving a fuck, even if your coffin is made up of gold, you just fucking perish from this place.

We still have to die one day.

Nobody will bother about you until you start giving a damn about yourself. We're all in need of love, just that some receive too little, some gets too much. Some don't give, and some give their whole. When the selfish fucks don't give love, we're all stuck. It's never fair.

We cry for what we don't have, we let rheum form in our eyes, but never did we appreciate what we have, had, and having. Life is common sense, too bad, some of us don't have.

It's just a game of probability, catching up a bit of this and that. We all have to start and end somewhere, but it all depends on where and how you want this game to end. Need of a little luck, love, joy, hate, pain, sorrow. It's still the same old circle track, you've been running on, and you'll never stop running until you know what the fuck are you doing with your own life.

Everybody is too tired to care for others. So just start caring for yours.

Have a good life ahead. x

6 Months

2010-12-02T02:36:00.002+08:00

Gonna be a quick entry since L's gonna go to sleep and I wanna surprise him with this post...

Harrow kitty! A good half year with you, time sure has wings. Have been a lovely 6 months with you, ups and downs. Well this post is just a substitute for a card because I don't have much time to doodle up a pretty card for you.. I know words are always the same few.. I love you I miss you bla bla bla. And they can never express a definite love. It's just something I say in replacement of being infatuated with you. Real love comes from within. We passed by everywhere, run and blocking through obstacles, doubts, and mostly everything. I know for the past few days we were on the verge of giving up tryna change each other for the better, but right now, not making false promises, I promise that I'll change into that happy little cheerful girl you first met. I know it's not even a year, I cannot promise that we'll last forever, and I never had that intention in mind because I wanna treasure every single time we stood by each other, laying together with verbal dreams. As we can picture out everything we longed for, stuck in a place where you & I will only glow. It feels rather exciting to explore places with you. We still haven't been to the end of the world. It's a 6 months worth of love, and we're gonna build up everything.

Hard to summarize how happy I've been. You've gotten back everything and I'm glad for you. I know you like sweet girls, and I'm very aware that I'm not one so stop rubbing in to it >( What matters is that I know I love you wholeheartedly, never once changed, okay doubted a few times but I know what's true. Words that criticize, hurt, untrue. You seemed to be kinda megrim few days back. Maybe that was because we were falling apart. You should know we're a unique two, we laugh at each other, mock people we hate, being really truthful, clones on some days yet totally different characters on another. Honestly, I won't ever find a guy that doesn't like it when I kiss or hug him HEHE. I don't portray myself in the right direction, so you'll have to go one big round, guessing and finding hints to get everything accurate. I'm sorry for that, it just seems like I'm too indulged in this fantasy of you and me. Where we both are happy :)

Like I said,

I love you is never enough.

No emphasis.

But all we need is just more love.

Happy six months maomao.

We're just special from others, I know it :)

I love you.

xoxo,

Mimi.

Black is beautiful

2010-11-23T02:34:00.005+08:00

Lately, I haven't been in a great mood. Partially it's the weather I believe. Or not, maybe it's just me. Need to have little notes everywhere to constantly remind me that of things that I have to do. I've so many thoughts to pen down. Time to get a notebook and pen, and bring it everywhere I go. I think I'm crazy, tears can suddenly tumble down when I think about matters. Yes I over-think, that's not really healthy but I can't help myself. Have to indulge in something scary, something life threatening, before I get back on my feet again. I'm too reliant on others, till I have none left.

I know one day everybody's gonna leave me for good. There must be a glitch in me, I must fix myself well and fast. Anyhowww, my Friday was spend fruitfully! Went home all high hmm. I had supper with L at Xin Wang just now. This holiday isn't productive at all.

It's 2:00am in the morning now, I'm waiting for a brand new day, a new beginning. Not everyday is going to be bad unless your mind sets it that way no? Can't possibly drown myself with sensitive questions, must not make it a routine. I've finally resented to the fact that every single thing lies the sacrifice of someone. Crying is not for the weak, but for someone who have been strong for far too long. I'm only young once, still have so much to live for. Although there are times, I admit, that I just wanna end this life, or go to a place to start all over. Alone. Nobody will know me, know my name, know who am I. I can forget about everything here, throwing everything behind.

I need a brainwash. My mind's in a whirl.

/Feeling like shit again. It's like an extreme immense exercise of twirling and whirling inside me. So fucking sensitive, it's bad. I need adjunct help, need a directional purpose, losing the sense of aiming. Hate the feeling of waking up alone, feeling afraid. Okay whatever argh.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun. Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed, this world you must've crossed. You said you don't know me, you don't even care. She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains. Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts, across an open field. When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry. She said I think I'll go to Boston. I think I'll start a new life,I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain. I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired, I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset, I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice.

You got my head up in the sky

2010-11-16T00:02:00.004+08:00

Gloomy weather.. In quite a monotone mood. Hmm, next paragraph is *dedicated* to my dearest boyfriend. Well, he wanted it. How time flies! Almost half a year being together with him.

As I usually smell your shoulder, you'll always grumble and make me feel insecure. It's just a feeling though. You never seem to be unreal, and that's what I love about you, about us. I don't know if you enjoy days and nights together, but I sure did. The sound of you whining, the face you always give, a vivacious feeling you'll give. We used to be tantalizing, I used to have second thoughts about us. I'm putting us in first place now, it's all I have left with us. Forever is just a word application. Indeed, we know, it doesn't exist, but I'm all arms out to pull us up and start making it happen. Love, I finally felt it after so long, from you. It's amazing how I can throw myself aside, and being able to give up my life for you. I never found the courage to do that for anyone, but you. Beyond any doubt, nothing at all, I'm willing to. Willing to cover up, going through any pain and tough decisions. We're having a whole new life to go round, in any way we shall spin, we still meet at any point. That's how much I do know I love you, words can't emphasize enough, but you know I do :)

*********************************************************************************

Never once felt how home feels like. Sitting together across the dining table, having simple dinner and small chit chats. Not one time in my 15 years of life. I don't know the feeling of having a dad anymore, and knowing that your family is fading away from you. Ironically, I've lived through this for 7 years. Immobilized about it, but in a way or another, I do want to have a loving and heart warming place, to welcome me, set my limits, but gain freedom too. It'll be something I can only feel after a long time.

Always wondering why am I not contented with what I have, it just comes down to one answer. It's something I can never see, but can always feel. When was the last time I felt warm inside? It's tiring to get mum to care for me, at least a tiny bit. I don't have the motivation to commit to living up to her expectations. I never get to express my concerns or views, I can't speak. My eyes tight shut from this place, as hustling as it may sound, there's this feeling in everyone, missing you. I don't have a choice anymore, stuck in between, don't know which way to run.
Help, I may ask, it's just hard to deduce.

Chapter 0.01

2010-11-13T22:19:00.004+08:00

Too many unwanted memories in my previous site. I realized how shitty I looked last time too, and many things are meant to be forgotten and replaced in my life. Been through hell lots of conflicts, many many changes in me and people around me, I've learnt so much in this life. Never have been greater. I guess it's time for me to be stronger, bring feuds down, make new friends, less quarrels, and most importantly be a better girl. So to all the people I once squabbled with, I'm sorry. It's a new life now, am gonna be much better :-)

I don't think it's rather nice to upload all the photos for today because we all look rather sleepy and ugly. There wasn't any mood for looking around for stuffs through the flea, taking pictures. But all in all, we still managed to talk quite a lot! Been a long time since I've talked to them so much. There's always nonsense ;) Love you girls!

My money saving plan haven't been really productive I must say... But well, since I might be flying off to Bangkok next week, I shall do some shopping there! Save up more money for a new camera. Anyway, my hair doesn't look red in pictures because there isn't enough light. I swear it's so much better and nicer in real life under light. I guess I'll have to dye it again.

Home early on a Saturday night isn't really that bad. I'm just so worn off because I can't have enough sleep. It's 2:00am already, time for bed since I have to wake up early tomorrow! Goodnight xxx